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(take the knife)

i like the word vacuole [24 Mar 2010|01:04am]
im a lepper...or i think i have lepracy
or maybe my hands are made for leprachauns

on another note friends shouldnt ditch you
especially now

bad friend NO IMMA SPANK YOU

(take the knife)

unknown [24 Mar 2010|12:57am]
today I awoke in a shower, my hands covered in blood
my own or someone elses ...cant be sure
I cant even be sure its blood
or that its really on my hands
or that its really real at all
there is no blood

i could see it
but it wasnt there
you see?

i wasnt frightened at the morbid hallucination
infact frighteningly excited...

(take the knife)

[11 Jan 2009|11:24pm]
my stomach is churning...i feel ill
i know its how upset i am...but it feels like sickness, i feel the bile building up to the top of my throat..is she angry right now? is that just the way she expresses sadness. i could throw up right now if i coughed. i'll hold it in til it goes away, just like the tears that dripped and dried in a matter of a minute...she doesnt know that im really hurt....how can a minute of tears express that... even if thats more crying then ive done in years. she can squeeze water from the stone. she just doesnt know how honest ive been about that.

(take the knife)

... [06 Jan 2009|02:44am]
how can i explain it... years upon years of therapy to learn how to communicate feelings...but i cant express this in the right words...not outloud. maybe in writing?

i dont want to change you ani, i love who you are. habits can be changed (unless they are built in your brain chemistry...but most of them) even mine. i dont wanna change who you are... i just think in a relationship both partners have to talk about things...make suggestions to eachother from what they have learned in life...to benifit eachother, and the future of their relationship. were a team right? so why is it when i suggest, you think its an attack...and you get defensive and attack me...so i attack back... why cant you see im just talking to you from observance in life and sometimes experiance...im not looking for a fight or to lecture... i would hope you would do the same for me...but you dont really, you only use my frustrating habits against me when you need them in defense. thats not what i need... how can i learn from mistakes...if you only tell me i made them when youre angry, my nature tells me when being attacked...repeat the thing that caused the attack to get back at the person...natural rebellion. hell, even when i got smacked as a child id do that...because when im upset i want everyone to know that i wont change for them cause they tried to scare me, hurt me, made me guilty, hit me...the only thing that ever made me behave was calm communication and caring. no one seems to get that even when i try to say it. my mentality "why would i do anything for someone who gets mad at me all the time"... my mentality when you are sweet and calm...and explain things that you need/want to me in that manner is "well...i guess i need to try harder, she obviously cares and is trying to make things better for us so i need to do better to help her".

for the right person, i am an open book, ill tell you my life story, my thoughts, dreams, plans, scemes, ill tell you when i do something unforgivable, ill tell you when ive done something im proud of... all i ask is to know more about you too

i dont feel like i know you as well as i would like... i want to know all of the things above about you... anytime i try to ask you have said you dont like to talk about things or you try to distract me or yourself with other things

i notice things remember... i notice that i still havent learned a whole lot more about you since the day i met you... and id bet you know me better than i know you

if you dont like something i do...if you dont like something i say...TELL ME...not later, but RIGHT THEN . you dont have to be mean to communicate...just tell me how you feel. if i express an oppinion you disagree with LETS TALK ABOUT IT...i actually love to hear things from more than one perspective...i dont have to agree to appreciate what you have to say. if you need something more from me...LET ME KNOW... i cant read your mind so tell me what you want... OMG JUST TALK TO ME

i feel like we have everything needed for a great relationship...except communication about anything important to that relationship

(take the knife)

[28 Dec 2008|01:45pm]
i think im destined to be alone forever...
yeah i can get a different girl or more every night no problem, but no one will stay
even when they want to, they cant understand...they cant handle me in one way or another
i trick myself into believing them when they say sweet things like they will never leave me or hurt me ...but they always do

im a monogamy collecter... a work addict when it comes to relationships... i want to make things work... compromise, communicate. usually i find that im the only one who wants to be an open book...most people wont communicate, and they dont want my side either. so in the end they decide everything ive done to make them feel better should be expected and taken for granted and i get aggrivated...til finally they find someone with more secrets... cause they know all of mine... and im left alone again

maybe i just need to face it
im never going to be married
im never going to be loved the way i love
and no one will ever want to know as much about me as i want to know about them

(take the knife)

[28 Dec 2008|01:59am]
it seems im always too defensive
the past damage was extensive
i find myself wanting more intensive care

even eden had its bad sides
im just tired of all these hay rides
i need something more from your eyes when they stare

love is my only consistant emotion
my level of caring never faulters
nomatter what my chemistry is missing
you could make or break my mood
so tell me, is it really that easy?

to look away...cause its a bad day...dont you crave the closeness of me?

do you wonder like i do
what im thinking when i look at you
i want to be a part of you its true...im scared

but ive never been more prepared for hurt

(take the knife)

-.- [15 Dec 2008|07:49pm]
i was texting yvonne today to tell her i wanted to shave my eyebrows off... and she told me my friend shelly works with her now...i havent spoken to shelly since the otep show and ive been worried she got back on drugs so i wanted to go up and talk to her and get to see yvonne so it would be awesome on both sides. i asked ani for 20 bux and her gps and she asked why and i said im going to see yvonne... i dont know why i suddenly felt ashamed i was going to visit shelly because i knew ani would feel jealous...but hiding it is worse so after i plugged the add. into the gps i texted ani to say i was sorry for omitting it but shelly worked there too... and it all went down hill from there... shes still upset, and i understand it was wrong of me not to tell her in the first place, but most of the reason shes upset is as she said ...shes insecure... i wish she could get that i dont want shelly, and i got that out of my system. i want ani. i want her in my life, for the rest of my life...but thats so intense...maybe someday ill tell her.

(take the knife)

its hard to come to terms with it [14 Dec 2008|03:19am]
i understand that its very unlikely i will ever have my feelings reciprocated when it comes to lovers. because honestly i love too intensely. its difficult for me to fall ...but when i do its like an anchor to the ocean...and if/when the other person gives up on me.. its like the boat left with my heart (the anchor) still sunken and forgotten at the bottom.. and the pieces left with them will never return to me. i love with my whole heart...and yet only whats left of it...as every love ive had...carries a fragment whether they realize it or not.

this is a problem for me though... because since i feel like this, its hard to see the less intense versions of love that are returned, as love at all...

and i wonder...am i always going to feel unloved even when i am loved?

my love can destroy or save the world with its power...yet i feel so alone...i dont think its possible to find another person who feels like me...even if they say they do, they usually just cant compare.

when i say "i fucking love you" its because i cant explain in any way in the english language just how i feel... so i emphasize the word with an expletive, and i guess youll just never know

when i say you are wonderful its because even though i get frustrated and can be bitter... i love absolutely every aspect of you...and i always will love you

my love never fades or dies, and i carry pain of loss with me into next relationships ...i will always love you

(take the knife)

new and old [28 Oct 2008|12:27pm]
things have been better lately...

sometimes i dwell on things that might have been

she was good for me, you know? i realise it now... i really messed up with jenn... multiple times. i just was too distracted, like a moth to the flashing lights of vegas.. i forgot to see her being so distracted by ME. i didnt appreciate the love or stability. i wasnt used to anything but chaos, so how could anything so not chaotic, be love? and when it got chaotic it was already too far gone to save... i should have protected her, i should have saved her from her mind, from her pain... i should have saved her from me... i threw her out of the closet and set it on fire behind her so she could only hide in dark corners and when she did i was furious... it was sadistic, she wasnt ready...and i wasnt ready to help her through... yet i made her deal with me anyway... and i wondered why she was upset... i love her...and i did love her... but i didnt realise how much, until she was gone. i would never want her back, as much as i want to fix the hurt i caused...shes doing better now, better without me... and even if i fixed anything...id just cause more damage in the long run... i dont want that.

i tried to find stability afterwards... but i never knew where to look...i was still attracted to the danger. when i found sarah i thought i found it again... but then i realised too late she was going to be the most chaotic, the most unstable, the most hurtful...and the best at hiding it...

and now there is ani...im so scared, i know i like her, i know she likes me... but if i jump i could fall...and im prone to falling hard on the rare occasion that i do fall. i dont know if i could take more heartache... i dont want to push her away...i learned from jenn that that can only make me lose. i dont want to pull her too close she could abuse it and rip me apart like sarah. so i dont know what to do... im in limbo

(take the knife)

[14 Oct 2008|05:21pm]
Sometimes I find it frightening
The way your eyes meet mine
And I don’t need enlightening
To know that we are not fine

I know you disregard it
Some things cant be controlled
But you are still where my heart is
Its for you to have and to hold

All I ever hoped for
Was to find a place of my own
It didn’t have to be a house
As long as it was a home
Now, Iv lost my home…
Ohhhh Iv lost my home…

Yeah I have bad habits
So do you my dove
The want when you cant have it
But I want your real love

I don’t want to be
Your other option
Im not your plan b
And I cannot function…


All I ever hoped for
Was to find a place of my own
It didn’t have to be a house
As long as it was a home
Now Iv lost my home
Ohhhhh Iv lost my home…

(take the knife)

[29 Sep 2008|02:04am]
ive caught two roaches in the past 10 minutes..i am freaking out i cant sleep they could be anywhere i feel like they are crawling all over me even though i know thats irrational...im sitting very still...wide eyed...hoping to not see any for atleast half an hour so i can convince myself there is no more, enough to sleep...

(take the knife)

ewwww roaches are nasty [29 Sep 2008|01:31am]
"the pain helps, the pain makes the hunger go away..."
there is no pain to release me from my current psychosis...inevitabity eats at my mind

some how i sit semi-still in discomfort and my brain works through its oddity at a fast pace.

none of my words sound correct...
and they make me feel so awkward

developing a habit... twitch of the eyes like compulsive blinking...strange need to move my fingers... shake... purely mental panic attacks... xmostly at night. obsessive compulsive thoughts that make me uncomfortable with things that seem misplaced like parking spaces, trouble breathing properly, parinoia. i dont have much fear of death so when my body feels like its "dying" i dont really freak out about it... i think it helps but not mentally. im so fragmented. sentence structure...uh...there was a roach crawling on my computer? i put it in a box and slipped a paper under brought it outside and dropped it off the balcony..they are almost impossible to kill without poison. i worry that where there is one there are many. ...fuck.

(take the knife)

yeah, its a wig [19 Sep 2008|04:22am]

(take the knife)

long time no talk [17 Sep 2008|05:38pm]
if i could fall into your sheets
and let you lash me to defeat
with no silence in your eyes
as you tear open my thieghs
somehow i know ill forget the ghosts
as you take me, bring me close

daydreams frightening
animalistic tendencies
inspiring sexually
so baby, talk dirty to me...

baby talk dirty

i need release not from these chains
oh please dont tease ill go insane
you make me try, you make me wait
to find my patience, appreciate
i want your tone so in control
ill get you hot that is my goal

(take the knife)

poem youll never see [07 May 2007|03:26pm]
I wrote you a letter that ill never send
To ask you for truth about all this
Do you still like to play pretend?
Do I want to know what the answer is..
If you see me as just a friend?
When I feel so content in your kiss
Then when will confusion end
And lead us to bliss..

I saw you get comfortable here
I felt the softness of parted, blushing lips
I heard you hesitate in fear
That decisions may not be at your fingertips
Its not my intention to hold you near
Its not in my nature to take just sips
I know what I want, and make it clear
But now I’m lost as this moment slips

(1 strawberry gash | take the knife)

[17 Apr 2007|05:08pm]


(take the knife)

[16 Apr 2007|03:49pm]
what am i doing with my life? with women? with my own heart? haha i would just try really really hard to be straight but i know that would be just as complicated as far as relationships go. anyways i dont think it would work.

(take the knife)

bah [07 Jan 2007|01:02am]
drunk, single, at a party. been repremanded for hitting on straight taken girls and scaring them out of the party...whatever im done ill just play on the internet till im sober

(2 strawberry gashes | take the knife)

blah [30 Oct 2006|10:59pm]
People who get tagged need to post in their journal 6 odd or weird habits/things/facts about you, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

1.i can deep throat a banana and im a lesbian

2.i dont have any secrets that atleast one person doesnt know

3.ive been broken hearted twice

4.i used to be even more promiscuous

5.ive been to the mental hospital 4 times

6.drama and gossip makes me stressed to the point of mental breakdowns

i refuse to tag anyone so =P

(take the knife)

yay [18 Oct 2006|02:29pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

aimee is coming to visit today! ...im kinda skurred tho cause we have to have "a talk" about what i said last night... i know shes not going to leave her boyfriend, and i know i probably cant continue this way for much longer cause im just not good at sharing, but i also dont want to not have her at all... i guess well see what comes out of this talk

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