sometimes i dwell on things that might have been
she was good for me, you know? i realise it now... i really messed up with jenn... multiple times. i just was too distracted, like a moth to the flashing lights of vegas.. i forgot to see her being so distracted by ME. i didnt appreciate the love or stability. i wasnt used to anything but chaos, so how could anything so not chaotic, be love? and when it got chaotic it was already too far gone to save... i should have protected her, i should have saved her from her mind, from her pain... i should have saved her from me... i threw her out of the closet and set it on fire behind her so she could only hide in dark corners and when she did i was furious... it was sadistic, she wasnt ready...and i wasnt ready to help her through... yet i made her deal with me anyway... and i wondered why she was upset... i love her...and i did love her... but i didnt realise how much, until she was gone. i would never want her back, as much as i want to fix the hurt i caused...shes doing better now, better without me... and even if i fixed anything...id just cause more damage in the long run... i dont want that.
i tried to find stability afterwards... but i never knew where to look...i was still attracted to the danger. when i found sarah i thought i found it again... but then i realised too late she was going to be the most chaotic, the most unstable, the most hurtful...and the best at hiding it...
and now there is ani...im so scared, i know i like her, i know she likes me... but if i jump i could fall...and im prone to falling hard on the rare occasion that i do fall. i dont know if i could take more heartache... i dont want to push her away...i learned from jenn that that can only make me lose. i dont want to pull her too close she could abuse it and rip me apart like sarah. so i dont know what to do... im in limbo